Diary of a Madman’s Goon [rec.humor.funny]
Yeah that’s me. You know me, you’ve seen me in many places, many guises. I’ve worn many uniforms. Sometimes I looked like a cheap knock off of the modern military, or the SS (I don’t play politics, I just work for a living). I’ve dressed like a policeman, a mafia hitman, a medieval knight, Chinese soldier, Barbarian archer and once something resembling an ancient Egyptian bodyguard. I go by many names: Bodyguard #2, Soldier #5, Hired Thug, Third Centurion From the Left, but most often just “Guard!” In the business they call us Goons. WE prefer “Hired Physical Force Provider” but with the people we work for and their enemies often winning and writing the history, we’ve given up and accepted the term Goon.
I’d like to clear a few things up. I’m not evil, I’m not even really that mean. I have a wife and kids back home to support and being a Goon is an honest living with steady work (Periodic interruptions of course, but some evil “Genius” always comes along). I know, “honest” you say, well yes. I don’t do evil, I just follow orders, like some bureaucrat turning off little old ladies heat in the cold of winter.
It’s not always easy to come by a good job. You can’t really advertise “Hired Goons needed for evil plot to take over the world” in the local paper. Most of our work comes by word of mouth, we’re kind of like a guild, unofficially of course. We tried to unionize back in the 60’s, but we learned rapidly that evil geniuses are usually unstable and not afraid to throw entire workforces into the piranha tank, even if it means the death ray isn’t ready on time. One guy was so stubborn at the bargaining table we just came to call him “Dr. No” and we didn’t really stand by him when you-know-who came calling.
Yeah, you-know-who. I’ve fought them all, secret agents, super soldiers, high-tech strike forces, superheroes, even a few comic sidekicks in my day. Why am I still alive? Well, most of your heroes are decent people. They might slap you around, and bonk you on the head, but they rarely kill you, especially in the sneaking-in phase. During big battles sure, but we learn to get “knocked out” by an explosion. Survival first babe. Knocks to the head don’t really put you out for that long either. But in this business the smart ones learn that by the time the hero penetrates your fortress of doom, it’s time to think about number one, cause crazy hairdo guy is going down. It helps to be Caucasian, body counts are always higher for minorities. If you’re Asian you’re gonna get Rambo’d in the hundreds. My pal Kieu tried the “I’m just a silly guard unaware of what’s about to happen” thinking he’d get the old bonk on the head, and he got a hand grenade up his ass for his trouble.
The bonk on the head happens, it’s not our fault. People really make fun of us for strolling along casually not knowing what’s about to happen. Do you think this business only happens in an exciting twenty-minute battle? Heck no, we spend months patrolling endlessly around corridors (For minimum wage I might add) and whenever there’s a beautiful princess in the cell it’s “Hands off guards, she’s to be preserved for my elaborate marriage ceremony at the climactic moment of taking over the world, which I’m now broadcasting to everyone.”
Why don’t we sound the alarm when someone goes missing instead of slowly walking around the corner to see what’s happening? The truth is people go missing all the time. At these wages there’s always people running to the castle next door looking for better working conditions. And drinking on the job or otherwise not doing what you should also happens with temp workers like us. If these guys would ever get a decent health plan, maybe things would improve.
As to the horrible slander that we never just kill heroes when we see them, you don’t get far in this business on initiative. Acting without orders will get you thrown into the piranha tank, or the shark tank, or the crocodile tank, or the Emu tank (That was “General Safari” and he didn’t last long.). No, we just keep our heads down, initiative is NOT rewarded in this business, even if it does save the day. Most of these evil “Geniuses” would rather lose than admit they were wrong.
And we could shoot straight if we cared about our jobs, or took pride in them. Or were given enough bullets for target practice. The fact is most of these madmen our really skinflints. Oh sure, they’ll spend a fortune on a death ray, or a doomsday bomb, or a giant robot with backup sexual services mode (Yes, they all have their dirty little secrets), but bullets and training ranges, no, they’re expensive, just like that dental plan. Even the monorails are annoying. Sure they look cool, but did you ever stop to wonder why an Evil madman would care about public transport? He wants to destroy the earth, but individual cars are bad for the environment and wasteful? Those crappy, barely serviceable mass transits systems are meant to say “Hey, I’m a big shot, let’s build something grandiose” We’d be better off with a couple of hummers to drive around when and where we wanted to catch intruders. Plus then those bastards who get to fly Tie Fighters would quit making fun of us at the convention.
So the next time you laugh at the poor goon and make some inane comment like, “I would have done better.” Just remember, it ain’t an easy life. Are you sure you would do any differently?
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2004 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.
