Glenn Hauman: A View From Above

The arrest of Chris Gore this week in a Prius reminded me of a TV commercial idea I had two years ago:

We open on a Prius zipping along, and the driver hear sirens. He looks in the rearview mirror-- it's a cop. The Prius and cop pull over, and the cop gets out of the car and heads over. The cop pokes his head in the driver window.

COP: "You were doing 85 miles an hour in a hybrid car, and there's not a judge in the state who'll believe me. Now get out of here and stop speeding."

The driver starts the Prius and drives off, carefully but smiling.

VOICEOVER: The Toyota Prius. Good for the environment, and good for your wallet. In more ways than one.

Officer walks back to his car and tries to start it, but the engine won't turn over. The gas tank reads "Empty".

COP: "Ahhhhh, nuts."

VOICEOVER: Did we mention it gets fifty-four miles to the gallon?

So after a rough volleyball game, I noticed some extra bruising on my hands, etc. I went to Google and typed in "minimize bruises". The first half-dozen links or so were indeed tips on minimizing bruising... but they were all BDSM community sites.

How can you not love a page which starts with "Since we are in the middle of the swimsuit season, how can one minimize bruising after s/m play, so as not to wreak havoc at the beach?"

Ah, the voices of experience.

Quoting in part:

...He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance....

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people...

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

For any George who believes he possesses the divine right of kings. Now hang on for the fireworks.

1. They hate us for our freedom. 2. When they try to come here and share in our freedom, we get pissed and try to keep them out.

Somehow, I don't think the word "freedom" is the word that plugs in well for that sentence. Let's try some other word to indicate the bounty of things we have here-- let's try "wealth".

1. They hate us for our wealth. 2. When they try to come here and share in our wealth, we get pissed and try to keep them out.

That sounds more like it to me, no? How about you?

Most of my stuff has been at ComicMix lately (and we were just named SciFi.com's site of the week to boot) but there's some things that don't quite fit over there, so I'm just going to hammer through them, Avedon Carol style:

Card sharks set bait to hire rats: All about some rigged gambling going on, in the $15-$20-million range.

Why, according to Seventeen, you should date a blogger:

The Blogger:

You don't agree with all his posts, but they make you think about new issues -- and whether he's as cute as his pics!

Find him at: A friend of a friend's Top 8 Your first move: Bloggers love having an audience almost as much as they like a battle of wits, so stir up some controversy by telling him when you disagree with a post.

Hidden payoff: An outspoken guy can stir up passions you never knew what you had -- and help you figure out what you really stand for.

12 things I've learned since being diagnosed with bipolar.

Nothing like being accused of plagarism to make it tough for you to come up with ideas for your next novel... unless, of course, you didn't think of ideas for your novel the first time around.

Lessons the Internet Has Taught Me :

Everyone else gets all the fun trolls.

My side of the internet is the cool side. We're also sexier and dress better.

Using your blog to grind personal axes gets really old really fast.

Marvel has been corrupted by the homosexuals. Or the Arabs. Or possibly the gay Arabs.

YouTube makes up for not having anything to say today quite nicely.

I'm far too polite. The fact that I haven't responded to anyone's post on any blog or message board with the phrase "you're fucking retarded, aren't you" is proof of that.

We have the comics industry we deserve.

If comic fans go for more than forty-eight hours without complaining about something online, they'll have an aneurysm.

Watching people miss the point leads to wonderful, unintended comedy. Than great sadness. Then comedy again.

Why yes, I do think less of you if MySpace is your blogging platform of choice.

Concern trolling, when applied to comics, is just sort of tragic.

Guys, she's not going to sleep with you, and yes, your intentions are just that transparent.

The existence of the internet is justified by pictures of cats and other animals with funny captions.

More stuff as I get back up to speed.

I can't decide whether this is depressing or not:

Intelligence has nothing to do with wealth, according to a US study published Tuesday which found that people with below average smarts were just as wealthy as those with higher IQ scores.

"People don't become rich because they are smart," said Jay Zagorsky, research scientist at Ohio State University whose study appears in the Journal Intelligence.

The US Bureau of Labor Statistics survey included 7,403 Americans who have been interviewed repeatedly since 1979. Based on 2004 answers, people who are now in their mid-40s showed no link between brain- and earning-power.

"Your IQ has really no relationship to your wealth. And being very smart does not protect you from getting into financial difficulty," Zagorsky said.

The study confirmed previous research which has shown that smarter people tend to earn more money, but pointed out there is a difference between high pay and overall wealth.

"The average income difference between a person with an IQ score in the normal range (100) and someone in the top two percent of society (130) is currently between 6,000 and 18,500 dollars per year," it said.

"But when it came to total wealth and the likelihood of financial difficulties, people of below average and average intelligence did just fine when compared to the super-intelligent."

An irregular pattern of total wealth as well as financial distress levels -- such as maxed out credit cards, bankruptcy and missing bill payments -- emerged among the various degrees of intelligence, the study said.

The study measured intelligence based on scores from the US Armed Services Qualification Test, a general aptitude test used by the Department of Defense.

(Via Raw Story.)

It has been said that, if a person is going to die, he should do it in the morning: when the day is new and clean and full of unanswerable questions, when the sun has just risen to cast an afterglow on the things that have been done by night. It has also been said that, if a person is going to die, the circumstances are irrelevant. --John M. Ford, from Aspects, a novel unfinished at the time of his death

David Honigsberg died nineteen days ago, in the morning.

A lot has been said about him in a variety of places, some by me, much more by others. There isn't a heck of a lot more to say. To me he was my friend, my occasional business partner, my employee, my poker buddy, my teammate, my competitor, my fellow connoisseur, my rabbi-- and since I'm not Jewish, all the greater accomplishment.

I did my share to help his wife, Alexandra, deal with the immediate aftermath and other needed things.

I spoke briefly at the service, somewhat extemporaneously. I'm told that there was a recording of it, so I'll transcribe it when I can.

And now, I'm done with the hiatus on writing here, but it just wasn't right to write anything here without tipping the beanie to him.

Evidently, Mr. Clinton wants to shield virtually any communications that take place within the White House compound on the theory that all such talk contributes in some way, shape or form to the continuing success and harmony of an administration. Taken to its logical extreme, that position would make it impossible for citizens to hold a chief executive accountable for anything. He would have a constitutional right to cover up.

Chances are that the courts will hurl such a claim out, but it will take time.

One gets the impression that Team Clinton values its survival more than most people want justice and thus will delay without qualm. But as the clock ticks, the public's faith in Mr. Clinton will ebb away for a simple reason: Most of us want no part of a president who is cynical enough to use the majesty of his office to evade the one thing he is sworn to uphold -- the rule of law.

The author? Tony Snow. Wonder if anybody in the press room will call him on it.

John has announced he's a SFWA President Write-In Candidate and I'm supporting him, mainly for this:

1. Philosophically, I'm opposed to having only one candidate for a leadership position of any organization I am involved with. [...] As there is only one other person running, I feel obliged to put my hat in the ring if only to offer a reasonable and notable choice for the position.

2. I don't believe that Michael Capobianco, the fellow running for SFWA President, is at all the right person for the job. Let me note again that this is not a reflection on his personal character; I've not met him outside the online SFWA newsgroups and a few other online venues, so I cannot speak as to whether he is a nice guy or whatever. I'm sure he is. Likewise, Mr. Capobianco is a past president of SFWA and has won the organization's service award, which suggests that in the past, at least, he has been viewed as a reasonable choice for leading the organization. The question in my mind is not his past service, of which I have no experience (it was before my time) but whether he's the right person to lead SFWA forward now.

I don't think he is for two reasons. First, he hasn't had a novel published in this century; his last published novel, White Light, which he co-wrote with William Barton, was published in hardcover in 1998. Essentially, he's a decade out of practice with the practical aspects of publishing science fiction. This matters if one believes, as I do, that SFWA should primarily be a professional service organization; it particularly matters if one believes, as I do, that the publishing world in the 21st century, even this early on, is manifestly different than it was in the 20th century. I have books professionally published in both centuries; I know how much it's changed, and I deal with the publishing world on a daily basis.

Second, I believe that based on what I've read from him Mr. Capobianco is fundamentally afraid of the changing publishing world, and the changes in the world of speculative fiction, and that this fundamental position will cause him to make his tenure as SFWA backward-facing and defensive, rather than forward-thinking and innovative. This will make SFWA even more irrelevant to working writers -- that is, the people who are shaping science fiction -- than it already is.

Simply put, the professional organization of speculative fiction should not be headed by people who believe their job is to hold back the future. I believe strongly that Michael Capobianco sees it as his role to hold back the future and to maintain the status quo in publishing and in speculative fiction. That battle has already been lost; the publishing world has already irrevocably changed from when Mr. Capobianco last published. It's time that SFWA moves forward with leadership who understands this.

I'm not keen on being SFWA president. But I'm even less keen on Mr. Capobianco being SFWA president, enough so that I'm willing to offer myself for the position.

(I believe similar things about Andrew Burt, who is the fellow running for Vice-President; however, I'm not offering myself for that position, so I'll leave it at that for now.)

I will say this: If you're a SFWA member, don't vote for me if you're not willing to have me come in and stomp around and try to get these things done, and not necessarily be the most politic guy when I do; likewise don't vote for me if you are not willing to pitch in when I come asking for your help, which I will. I'm not going to try to get this done on my own; if I look out among SFWA members and I don't see people willing to step forward and make the organization useful and relevant to their careers and the careers of other science fiction writers, I'm out of there. I want to be very clear about the fact I have no compunction against saying "see ya" if I don't think SFWA's membership is serious about SFWA. I'll resign the post and go back to my plow. So make no mistake that a vote for me is a vote for an obligation to SFWA by you. If I have to stop thinking about my membership as an affectation, I think you should have to, too.

Damn. If he keeps this up, I may have to seriously consider running for VP, because he's right-- SFWA has spent a lot of time stuck in neutral or looking backwards. It's bad in any industry, it's deadly in a field that's supposed to be pointing towards the future. Damn.

The proof of John's position, ironically enough, is that he may be able to win the vote simply because he's using these tools that Capobianco is worried about. John will simply be able to move faster and get a stronger turnout because of his use of the Internet.

(Via Whatever and cross-posted at ComicMix.)

AFGHANISTAN IN 1985 is to THE UNION OF SOVIET SOCIALIST REPUBLICS as IRAQ IN 2007 is to _______________________.

Welcome to www.dailyrecord.com - Updates - Cop: Wife googled 'How to commit murder':

At exactly 5:45:34 on April 18, 2004 a computer taken from the office of the attorney of Melanie McGuire, did a search on the words "How To Commit Murder."

That same day searches on Google and MSN search engines, were conducted on such topics as `instant poisons,` `undetectable poisons,' 'fatal digoxin doses,' and gun laws in New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

Ten days later, according to allegations by the state of New Jersey, McGuire murdered her husband, William T. McGuire, at their Woodbridge apartment, using a gun obtained in Pennsylvania, one day after obtaining a prescription for a sedative known as the "date rape" drug.

God, I love Jersey sometimes...

Polite Fiction:

I got this email a while back promising a nice sum of money if I just helped this Nigerian government official move his inheritance to an American bank and to make a long story short, it hasn't worked out so well for me money-wise.

So my neighbor Brett said I told you so, I told you if you believe this guy you'll be wasting your money.

And I said back no way, dude! I did not waste that money! To say the money was wasted is an insult to the money, which had nothing to do with the decision that resulted in its loss! I demand you apologize for denigrating innocent money I said, emphatically.

Fortunately, Brett did the right thing. You're right, man, he said, the money wasn't wasted. It was sacrificed. That's completely different! I'm, like, totally sorry I said wasted just because it was such a grievous price to pay for such a stupid mistake.

And I said OK then, I accept your apology on behalf of the lost money. Just remember! Money only follows orders. Money does not make policy. Therefore, money is never wasted. QED, dude.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go send Mr. Abacha one more check.

(Via Busy, Busy, Busy.)

All that stuff the elders said about rock and roll? They pretty much nailed it. Miscegenation, teenagers running wild, the end of marriage!
--Clay Shirky, quoted in New York magazine

Love does not heal all. Sometimes it takes antibiotics.

Did Britney do it so the drapes would match the carpet?

UPDATE: Thanks, Elayne. Loooong day.