I am a job creator: A manifesto for the entitled
I am a corporate chief executive.
I am a business owner.
I am a private-equity fund manager.
I am the misunderstood superhero of American capitalism, single-handedly creating wealth and prosperity despite all the obstacles put in my way by employees, government and the media.
I am a job creator and I am entitled.
I am entitled to complain about the economy even when my stock price, my portfolio and my profits are at record levels.
I am entitled to a healthy and well-educated workforce, a modern and efficient transportation system and protection for my person and property, just as I am entitled to demonize the government workers who provide them.
I am entitled to complain bitterly about taxes that are always too high, even when they are at record lows.
I am entitled to a judicial system that efficiently enforces contracts and legal obligations on customers, suppliers and employees but does not afford them the same right in return.
I am entitled to complain about the poor quality of service provided by government agencies even as I leave my own customers on hold for 35 minutes while repeatedly telling them how important their call is.
I am entitled to a compensation package that is above average for my company’s size and industry, reflecting the company’s aspirations if not its performance.
I am entitled to have the company pay for breakfasts and lunches, a luxury car and private jet travel, my country club dues and home security systems, box seats to all major sporting events, a pension equal to my current salary and a full package of insurance — life, health, dental, disability and long-term care — through retirement.
I am entitled to have my earned income taxed as capital gains and my investment income taxed at the lowest rate anywhere in the world — or not at all.
I am entitled to inside information and favorable investment opportunities not available to ordinary investors. I am entitled to brag about my investment returns.
I am entitled to pass on my accumulated wealth tax-free to heirs, who in turn, are entitled to claim that they earned everything they have.
I am entitled to use unlimited amounts of my own or company funds to buy elections without disclosing such expenditures to shareholders or the public.
I am entitled to use company funds to burnish my own charitable reputation.
I am entitled to provide political support to radical, uncompromising politicians and then complain about how dysfunctional Washington has become.
Although I have no clue how government works, I am entitled to be consulted on public policy by politicians and bureaucrats who have no clue about how business works.
I am entitled to publicly criticize the president and members of Congress, who are not entitled to criticize me.
I am entitled to fire any worker who tries to organize a union. I am entitled to break any existing union by moving, or threatening to move, operations to a union-hostile environment.
I am entitled to a duty of care and loyalty from employees and investors who are owed no such duty in return.
I am entitled to operate my business free of all government regulations other than those written or approved by my industry.
I am entitled to load companies up with debt in order to pay myself and investors big dividends — and then blame any bankruptcy on over-compensated workers.
I am entitled to contracts, subsidies, tax breaks, loans and even bailouts from government, even as I complain about job-killing government budget deficits.
I am entitled to federal entitlement reform.
I am entitled to take credit for all the jobs I create while ignoring any jobs I destroy.
I am entitled to claim credit for all the profits made during a booming economy while blaming losses or setbacks on adverse market or economic conditions.
I am entitled to deny knowledge or responsibility for any controversial decisions made after my departure from the company, even while profiting from such decisions if they enhance shareholder value.
I am entitled to all the rights and privileges of running an American company, but owe no loyalty to American workers or taxpayers.
I am entitled to confidential information about my employees and customers while refusing even to list the company’s phone number on its Web site.
I am entitled to be treated with deference and respect by investors I mislead, customers I bamboozle, directors I manipulate and employees I view as expendable.
I am entitled to be lionized in the media without answering any questions from reporters.
I am entitled to the VIP entrance.
I am entitled to everything I have and more that I still deserve.
“We’re All In This Together,” By A Republican Standing In Four Feet Of Floodwater
I was reading Atlas Shrugged when the power went out. That’s when the roof collapsed, and my cell went dark, and I could hear the weirdly high-pitched screams of those trapped people that sounded like music from hell itself. Anyway, it gave me some time to think about things.
You know what? I believe America is great, because we fight for individual liberty. But we’re also great when we pull together and help each other out. That’s an important aspect of our national character too. It’s what I just realized three or four hours ago, when I ran out of potable water.
An expression of this sense of community is our government. It’s one thing to be critical of it, but it’s quite another to say that government is always the enemy. I for one would be really, really happy to see some federal workers right about now. Especially if they brought antibiotics.
A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take it all away – that’s what Ronald Reagan said, and it’s true. But having a government big enough to buy some rescue helicopters wouldn’t be so bad, would it?
Many of my fellow Republicans have been saying we should roll back regulations, and let businesses make money so they can power our economy. I get that. But some regulations are necessary. Like that contractor who offered the lowest bid on the storm water drainage system. The government definitely should have regulated him. It should have regulated the hell out of him.
I still think we needed to make those budget cuts Paul Ryan wanted. We did that for our kids. But I’ve been doing some soul-searching after standing in my own urine for most of the night, and I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe raising some of those tax rates could have helped us cut a bit less of the important stuff, like funds for FEMA and equipment for first responders. It could be the hypothermia talking here, but maybe we should have let the Democrats have that one.
I guess I’m just rethinking my whole philosophy about the relationship between the individual and society as a whole. We don’t just create every opportunity for ourselves by hard work and sheer willpower. We exist as part of an interdependent network of people – real human beings whose basic needs should be our concern, if we want to be a part of a society. That’s why I truly believe we have to move beyond the selfishness of pure capitalism, and why I think you all should let me on your raft so I don’t die.
Mary and Bryan Talbot’s Dotter of Her Father’s Eyes
has won the Costa Book Awards
biography of the year. They won the £5,000 biography prize for a book that interweaves the true and tragic story of James Joyce’s daughter Lucia with Mary’s own troubled relationship with her father, the eminent Joycean scholar James S. Atherton.
Happy birthday to Stan the Man! (If you don’t know who he is, we can’t imagine why you’re even reading this website.)
