More nuanced stuff to come, but in the meantime, via Teresa Nielsen Hayden:
The State of the Union Drinking Game! (2003 Edition)
This year’s address will be divided into two parts: “The War On and
Around Terrorism” and “The Economy, Stupid.” The rules vary depending
on the subject Bush is tackling, so pay attention:
1) The War: Whenever the President says “evil,” everyone must
raise their glass and take a drink. It’s good form to make a brief
toast of sorts, something like “Down with evil!” or “Evil is bad!”
“Evil” should be pronounced with a soft “i” [“Evihl”].
Whenever the President utters the phrase “weapons of mass destruction,”
everyone drinks. Before downing the drink, however, everyone must
affect a cartoony Evil Arab voice and say things like “Quick, hide the
weapons!” and “They’ll never find ’em here!”
If the President says “inspectors,” think fast! The first person to say
“That’s me!” becomes “the Blix.” The Blix then points out anyone else
in the game (“the Saddam”), who must then prove beyond a shadow of a
doubt that he/she is not hiding a nuclear warhead somewhere within a
twenty mile radius. At any point (preferably after a few seconds)
anyone can yell “time’s up!” at which point the Saddam is obliged to
finish whatever’s left of his or her drink. It’s good form for the
Saddam to mutter something like “And I would’ve gotten away with it,
too…” before drinking.
2) The Economy: Whenever the President says “tax cuts” or “cut
taxes,” everyone must raise their glasses and exclaim “Tax this!” Each
person is then expected to consume whatever they think is a fair
percentage of their drink.
During the Domestic portion of the speech, keep your eyes peeled. At
any time, anyone can choose to silently extend their hand forward, palm
up, to receive a Corporate Handout (though it’s good form to wait until
the President mentions some sort of economic incentive). When you see
someone do this, you must do so as well (thus becoming one of “The
Rich”). The last person to extend their hand becomes “The Bottom 90%”
and must drink, while everyone else yells things like “Who let him
in?!” and “Get a job!” and “You’d be pulling your own weight if you
didn’t drink so much!”
Special note: If, after the speech, a pollster calls your
house, immediately hand the phone to the soberest person in the room.
That person should say nothing but extremely positive things about
George W. Bush. Research indicates that anything less than a 10 point
bump in the President’s approval rating will result in immediate war.
Remember, the Fate of the Union is in your hands.