What the world needs more of

In reply to a homophobic rant on Star Trek, I came across this. I love the concept, but man– don’t I have enough paperwork to ignore?


Zang Industries Inc. Standardized Idiot Response Form #334225-R

Dear:
[ ] Idiot [ ] 3L33T D00D [ ] Spammer
[X] Loser [ ] Religious Nut [ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] Whiner [ ] Kook [ ] Pre-teen
[X] Asshole [ ] Yuppie [ ] Marketroid
[ ] Management Baboon [ ] Racist [X] Other: _Homophobic Bigot_

I took exception to your recent
[X] post/spam to _rec.arts.startrek.current_
[ ] email.

It was (check all that apply):
[X] lame.
[X] stupid.
[X] ignorant.
[ ] much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you
may be capable.

Your attention is drawn to the fact that:
[ ] You started a long, stupid thread
[ ] You continued spreading a long stupid thread
[ ] You crossposted a long, stupid thread
[ ] You are the subject of a long, stupid thread
[X] What you posted has been done before.
[X] Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
[ ] You made a ridiculously off topic post to a newsgroup.
[ ] You made a ridiculously off topic post to numerous news groups.
[X] Your post, though on-topic, lacked even the coherency of a chimp
banging randomly on a keyboard.
[ ] You broke Godwin's Law (USENET RULE #6) by invoking Hitler or
the Nazi's
[ ] But you failed to acknowledge the subsequent death of
the thread.
[ ] You obviously don't know how to read your newsgroups line.
[ ] You self-rightously impose your religious beliefs on others.
[ ] You posted asking for Warez sites.
[ ] You posted a "Check out my Web Page" article.
[ ] Off-topic.
[ ] And it sucked.
[ ] Your post originated from ix.netcom.com
[ ] Your post originated from compuserve.com
[ ] Your post originated from aol.com/aol.net.
[ ] Your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS,
Notesfile or echo.
[ ] Your post contained commercial advertising.
[ ] The advertising was for a web page.
[ ] The advertisemet was for MAKE.MONEY.FAST
THE FINE FOR THIS IS $20. Please send money order immediately to:
Usenet News Network Security & Standards Patrol
PO Box 33486
Bueno Punte, Brazil 44504-5565
or your posting privileges will be cancelled.
[X] Your post contained spelling errors.
[X] Your post contained grammatical errors.
[ ] Your post made use of eLiTe CaPiTaLiZaTiOn, which you think is
cool.
[ ] You posted SCREAMING in RANDOM CAPS for NO APPARENT REASON.
[X] Your lines are 80 columns wide or wider.
[ ] Your margin settings (or lack of) make your post unreadable.
[ ] Your post contained the word(s)/phrase(s):
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Surf the Net
[ ] Surf the Web
[ ] Hacker
[ ] Warez
[ ] Cyber_______ (insert suffix here)
[ ] Information Superhighway
[ ] \C\a\b\a\l
[ ] You posted a "newgroup" message without Leader Kibo's permission.
[ ] Your post was an obvious forgery.
[ ] It was done clumsily.
[ ] And was easily traceable.
[X] You have a lame login name.
[ ] Your machine has a stupid name.
[ ] You quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text.
[ ] You followed-up with only "Me, too!!!" added.
[ ] you also quoted the entire original message.
[ ] You predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]".
[ ] You asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group".
[ ] You flamed someone who has been around far longer than you.
[ ] You flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you.
[ ] You failed to check the "Followups-To:" line.
[ ] And it included misc.test
[ ] Your .sig is ridiculous because
[ ] You write it by hand every time.
[ ] Your .sig is longer than 6 lines.
[ ] And your newsreader truncated it.
[ ] You listed ___ snail mail address(es).
[ ] You listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in
prank calls.
[ ] It was listed twice because of your inability to configure
your newsreader.
[ ] You included a stupid disclaimer.
[ ] your pathetic attempt at being witty in the
disclaimer failed.
[ ] Miserably.
[ ] your .sig should make your company disclaim YOU.
[ ] You included:
(Mark all that apply)
[ ] a Bible quote
[ ] more than one
[ ] a stupid self-quote.
[ ] a stupid quote from a net.nobody.
[ ] any reference to any TV talk show host.
[ ] a set of instructions for something as stupid as
your post.
[ ] any reference to Team OS/2 or Win9x
[ ] lame ASCII graphics.
[ ] Your USENET posting/email contained HTML tags.
[ ] And you think this makes you cool.
[ ] And they were incorrect.
[X] You have offended the Dark Lord Satan.
[ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
worthless that you are being flamed anyway.

Furthermore:
[X] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of _rec.arts.startrek_.
[ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
[X] You, quite simply, misunderstand.
[X] You are a loser.
[X] Your parietal-lobe lobotomy is showing through.
[ ] Again.
[ ] *plonk*
[ ] All of this has been pointed out to you before.

It is recommended that you: (Mark all that apply)
[X] Get beaten.
[X] roundly.
[X] submit yourself to the Organ Vats for immediate "reconstitution."
[ ] contract ebola.
[ ] get a gun and shoot yourself.
[X] stop reading Usenet news and get a life.
[ ] stop sending email and get a life.
[ ] consume excrement.
[ ] and thus expire.
[ ] insert your post up your anus with the axis of greatest longitude
perpendicular to the axis of insertion.
[ ] Without lubrication.
[ ] and wrapped in barbed-wire.
[X] Use arsenic-laced punch to eradicate yourself, immediate
antecendents, relatives and any progeny you may accidentally
have spawned.
[ ] Shove your testicles far enough into your torso that you are
forced to see through your vas deferens.

In closing: (Mark all that apply)
[ ] Blow me.
[X] Go to Hell.
[ ] I pity your dog.
[ ] Your momma is so fat/ugly/disgusting that etc.,.
[ ] Please contemplate suicide.
[X] Get a life.
[X] Get tossed.
[ ] All of the above.
[ ] Other: ______________

—
David L. Jaroslav