My twentieth high school reunion is this weekend. Sadly, I won’t be in attendance, as I’m in Chicago this weekend on business. So, for the few people from Earl L. Vandermeulen’s class of ’87 who’ll read this, a few kind words.
Um…
Give me a few minutes, I’m thinking.
Right. Well, first off, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. Not just because I wanted to see a bunch of you, but because I didn’t want anybody to think I was afraid to show up (premature baldness, missing teeth, extreme weight gain, or general homeliness) or that I was unable to show up (restraining order, house arrest, non-house arrest.) As you can see, I haven’t changed all that much.
My, how your kids have grown.
Yes, I do remember that time with the thing in the place with the photos.
Third spouse, you say? Third time’s the charm? Okay.
How soon do you think you’re going to need that replacement liver?
Me? Much the same as ever– I did weird stuff in high school and had fun doing it, now I do weird things for a living and have even more fun. And even make money at it.
Uh-huh– still married.
Strangest things that have happened since you saw me last? Let’s see… got written up in the Jewish Forward and NPR for writing the first Klingon/Jewish wedding ceremony, was involved in a lawsuit that went all the way to the Supreme Court (we won), started two new businesses, wrote a few books, um… lots of miscellaneous strangeness all over the place. You?
My god, she got even better looking. No, I don’t know how. No, she didn’t have work done. Glory be, it’s a miracle.
Where were you when the towers fell?
What do you mean, how could I forget you? You changed genders on us!
No, I didn’t actually get taller. But I’m wearing lifts.
We always suspected that about you, glad you could come out and finally admit it. How is it up in Massachusetts?
Hey, whatever happened to him? He just fell off the face of the earth.
No, she joined a convent.
I’m hope you’re all happy. Take care. See you– hey, is there going to be a 25th?
My twentieth reunion was twenty years ago.
Maybe they did a fortieth this year; i didn’t hear if they did.