Q: Pakistan is to Cambodia as:
A: Iraq is to Vietnam;
B: 1971 is to 2005;
C: Wiretaps without warrants is to Watergate;
D: Dick Cheney is to Spiro Agnew;
E: “Bebe” Rebozo is to Jack Abramoff;
F: George W. Bush is to Richard M. Nixon.
G: _______ is to _______.
Explain your answer below.
Jon Carroll provides us with what should be Frequently Asked Questions:
Why does the president have the power to unilaterally authorize wiretaps of American citizens?
Because he is the president.
Does the president always have that power?
No. Only when he is fighting the war on terror does he have that power.
When will the war on terror be over?
The fight against terror is eternal. Terror is not a nation; it is a tactic. As long as the president is fighting a tactic, he can use any means he deems appropriate.
Why does the president have that power?
It’s in the Constitution.
Where in the Constitution?
It can be inferred from the Constitution. When the president is protecting America, he may by definition make any inference from the Constitution that he chooses. He is keeping America safe.
Who decides what measures are necessary to keep America safe?
The president.
Who has oversight over the actions of the president?
The president oversees his own actions. If at any time he determines that he is a danger to America, he has the right to wiretap himself, name himself an enemy combatant and spirit himself away to a secret prison in Egypt.
But isn’t there a secret court, the FISA court, that has the power to authorize wiretapping warrants? Wasn’t that court set up for just such situations when national security is at stake?
The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court might disagree with the president. It might thwart his plans. It is a danger to the democracy that we hold so dear. We must never let the courts stand in the way of America’s safety.
So there are no guarantees that the president will act in the best interests of the country?
The president was elected by the people. They chose him; therefore he represents the will of the people. The people would never act against their own interests; therefore, the president can never act against the best interests of the people. It’s a doctrine I like to call “the triumph of the will.”
But surely the Congress was also elected by the people, and therefore also represents the will of the people. Is that not true?
Congress? Please.
It’s sounding more and more as if your version of the presidency resembles an absolute monarchy. Does it?
Of course not. We Americans hate kings. Kings must wear crowns and visit trade fairs and expositions. The president only wears a cowboy hat and visits military bases, and then only if he wants to.
Can the president authorize torture?
No. The president can only authorize appropriate means.
Could those appropriate means include torture?
It’s not torture if the president says it’s not torture. It’s merely appropriate. Remember, America is under constant attack from terrorism. The president must use any means necessary to protect America.
Won’t the American people object?
Not if they’re scared enough.
What if the Supreme Court rules against the president?
The president has respect for the Supreme Court. We are a nation of laws, not of men. In the unlikely event that the court would rule against the president, he has the right to deny that he was ever doing what he was accused of doing, and to keep further actions secret. He also has the right to rename any practices the court finds repugnant. “Wiretapping” could be called “protective listening.” There’s nothing the matter with protective listening.
Recently, a White House spokesman defended the wiretaps this way: “This is not about monitoring phone calls designed to arrange Little League practice or what to bring to a potluck dinner. These are designed to monitor calls from very bad people to very bad people who have a history of blowing up commuter trains, weddings and churches.”
If these very bad people have blown up churches, why not just arrest them?
That information is classified.
Have many weddings been blown up by terrorists?
No, they haven’t, which is proof that the system works. The president does reserve the right to blow up gay terrorist weddings — but only if he determines that the safety of the nation is at stake. The president is also keeping his eye on churches, many of which have become fonts of sedition. I do not believe that the president has any problem with commuter trains, although that could always change.
So this policy will be in place right up until the next election?
Election? Let’s just say that we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. It may not be wise to have an election in a time of national peril.
Don’t you think Bush looks tired?
What happened to “Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet”? According to the Salt Lake Tribune:
The syndicate that carried Helen has canceled its contract with Helen’s cartoonist, so we cannot purchase the comic strip any more.
The last time Helen will appear on Tribune pages is Sunday, Christmas Day.
Gaaaah!
Come back to the web, Helen, where you belong! We need you! Now, more than–
–sorry. Got carried away.
(pleeeeeeease…)
Okay, so you didn’t get any days of posting. Just think of them as the Mystery Days.
It’s not that there wasn’t stuff to add, oh no. Some truly inappropriate gifts were out there– my favorite examples are these books. Nothing shows care for a loved one than a gift that says, “If you’re going to insist on going to work in drag, at least shave your legs first” except a gift that says, “Honey, I don’t think you look all that good naked. Here, do something about that. Please.”*
There were a LOT of candidates. Heck, just choosing from any number of bad Christmas albums could keep me busy for weeks, though I admit to a warped fondness for A Partridge Family Christmas. And the videos! Eeek!
But we’ve reached the end of the list. And what better way to say “But” and “The End” than by highlighting the end of Butt-Printing Artist, Stan Murmur.
I suppose it’s an epiphany of sorts. And Happy Epiphany to you and yours. Join us in 353 days when we start with a whole new list of disasters.
…a gift card.
Wait a minute. What’s so bad about a gift card, you ask? Read: Gift card fees still playing Scrooge – The Red Tape Chronicles:
How much is that $50 gift card really worth? Well, it’s hard to say. The art of irritating and sneaky fees has reached new heights in this 21st century version of gift certificates. There are sign-up fees, transaction fees, dormancy fees and outright expiration dates. Poorly timed use of the cards could make the $50 gift worth more like $40, $30, $20 … or in some cases, nothing….
Gift cards have been called the gift that keeps on taking, and for good reason. In some cases, only a few months after purchase, the cards slowly begin to lose their value, through “dormancy” or non-use fees. Some cards lose their value entirely after a year or two. Companies count on a certain number of consumers who drop the cards into the sock drawer and forget about them. It’s easy money….
Two of the worst examples cited by a recent study conducted by the Montgomery County, Md., Division of Consumer Affairs include the iCARD Visa Gift Card and the Good2Go MasterCard. The iCARD comes laden with a $25 maintenance fee after six months. After that, it can cost $25 to get the balance refunded by check. Refunds cost $75 after two years. The Good2Go card costs $9.95 to purchase and $4.95 each month for maintenance.
Read the article for a few ways to avoid the bite.
…yet another head scratcher. As near as I can tell, the “Record Your Own Voice Bottle Opener” is for when you get an idea after having so many beers that you can no longer operate a pencil.
Manhattan’s Slasher-Santa Display for Sale: Sadly, I suspect the auction is over now, but I’m sure it’s going to be warming the cockles of some blasphemer for New Year’s. Or giving a child nightmares for decades.
Continuing my ongoing listing of really bad gifts for this season, we have these:
Femtone Vaginal Weights – Training Weights For Kegel Exercises
While they do have a valid usage, I just can’t see anybody putting it under the tree for a loved one, can you?
And it’s not like you can send it back. The site says, “Please note that due to the nature of this product it is not returnable.” Lordy, I’d hope not.